Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
