Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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