UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
