I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
