New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
