This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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