I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
