I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize