i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
