just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
lol hangovers are for mortals.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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