You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize