Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
