I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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