Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
