can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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