When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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