Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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