I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
