I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
