he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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