just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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