Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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