I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
