You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The struggles of a small town man whore
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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