Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize