I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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