she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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