I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
