Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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