im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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