M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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