get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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