We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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