Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
splinters make it hard to masturbate
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
