i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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