I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
