Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
