my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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