oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
