what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize