Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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