you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Houston, we have a squirter
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
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