Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
