So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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