Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
