How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sarcasm needs its own font
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
