no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
