who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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