Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
