apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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