yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
