I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
