Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
