Jerry, you need to find god
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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