Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
