She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
