Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
