Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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