im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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