It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
