Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
