I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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