just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cannot find my penis.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
