In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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