Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
