I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
